"Chickens aren't animals"

The subject of this blog post is a conclusion by my PCV neighbors Anna and Mallory, and it might just be true after all.

I'll have you know that I came to Zambia as a nonbeefitarian (I only didn't eat red meat). But after first site visit in Eastern Province--after I killed my first chicken--I decided to become a full vegetarian. My reasons were threefold.

First, vegetarian PCVs have fewer digestive problems and are less likely "join the club" (shart: poop your pants on accident when you fart). This is a great explanation to give Zambians (save for the bit about sharting) who prepare meat only on special occasions for specials guests.

Secondly, an often true generalization is that Zambians treat animals like dust of the earth--like crap, to say the least. Ghandi's sutra hasn't taken root here yet: a measure of a society is how well it treats animals. This all being said, I can't even imagine eating one of my host family's gazillion goats or chickens knowing how poorly they are treated and left to scavenge like beasts for food--not to mention because of, ironically, my own distaste for my family's animals existence. You would think my resistance to there presence would make me want to eat them, but it doesn't.

Thirdly, vegetarian meals are healthier (when you eat the right combinations of vegetables and starches) and easier for your body to digest. This is seperate from my first reason for not eating meat because that one is more related to food preparation, storage, and the fact that unrefrigerated meat is sometimes eaten days after already being cooked once.

So why is it that chickens might not be animals (ignoring the fact that they couldn't possibly otherwise be alien, and, that even humans are animals considering that the theory of evolution is unequivocally as true as the theory of gravity)? It's complacted. Chicken's aren't animals for several reasons.

My favorite is that they often are deformed here: some hens have feathers that make them look akin to Elvis Presely, and some roosters have no feathers on their red, leathery necks. Sexy, let me tell you!

Another reason chickens aren't animals is because they--and goats alike--enter my hut looking for food and water and poop on my floor or they'll poop right outside my door so I'll step on it and bring it inside! Punks. Today while Mallory and I were making breakfast I did just that and gave up trying to clean it off my rough concrete floors so I just used some toxic sun tanning oil the PC have me to burn the poo and sanitize my floors!

Yet another reason they aren't animals is because they are socially challenged when around one another. One minute they might be peacefully scavenging for ants and termites, then the next minute one is viciously chasing the others either because one has gotten too close to where the other has been eating (inches matter!), or, as is more often the case, for absolutely no reason at all.

Then of course there's the reason that the roosters are male chauvenists that more or less should not be considered as the ones who mate with the hens but, rather, who RAPE the hens! Chicken sex is a viciously vehement and also capricious act. Ugh, I get chills just thinking about it!

Also, they are cannibalistic: they eat my leftover egg yolks. I mean I've heard of humans eating placenta post birth, but potentially fertile eggs? Come on!

Lastly, when they are suspicious they crazily look intimidated and goofy, simultaneously. I like the babies a lot, though, and my desire to harass, chase, hold, and pet borders fiesty. Hens hate me for this and would attack me if I wasn't cunning, haha. This is when their suspicion is most noticeable.

For these reasons and more my neighbors (and I, a little) think chickens aren't animals.

...but I hope you know me better than this. All of these reasons are exactly what make chickens animals! And even though they aren't my favorite animals (oh how I miss my 14 year old pomeranian, Wishbone), I will still consciously treat them respectfully as an example to Zambians. Now if only I could talk to them and encourage them to evolve just a little bit more. The chickens, not Zambians that is:-P

To be continued: alien chicken invasion!